


Melancholy in March - excerpts

by Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coping, Excerpts, Suicide, Unrequited Love, true story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 17:18:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17729450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades/pseuds/Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades
Summary: I loved and I loved and I lost youI loved and I loved and I lost youI loved and I loved and I lost youAnd it hurts like hell





	1. Untitled part 1

I have heard from various people older than me that your first love is something you do not forget. Generally, I tend to not care about all that 'first kiss', 'first this', 'first that' fuss. I make an exception for 'first love' though. I think that is because your first love makes you want to share your life with someone, in a different way from with your family and friends, for the first time.


	2. Untitled part 2

Estelle lived for 6 925 days. I always tend to think numbers in the thousands are huge. Imagine having 6 925 euros (I'm a student) or a building of 6 925 stories (impossible, I know). When I think about this number in terms of days lived though, I find it awfully short.


	3. Untitled part 3

Estelle died exactly fifteen days before her birthday. Was this a conscious choice? Did she plan on never becoming nineteen? Was it arbitrary? Did something happen on that particular day that finally pushed her over the edge? I'll never know. People say that when you love someone, you want to know everything about the person. I don't. I want to know about her life, not about her death. Her life, I fear, has been shorter than everyone thinks.


	4. Untitled part 4

It's October 13th, my birthday. I've never really enjoyed my birthday, I've never really hated it either. This time, I fear, is a bit different. I'm now officially nineteen. I'm now older than Estelle. From now on, I will always be. It feels wrong. The reason for that is because it is. Estelle was supposed to be older than me, always.


	5. Untitled part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ! mature content ! trigger warning !

Sometimes I'll see a girl with long brown hair and round cheeks on the street. I will know it's not her, but she'll inevitably remind me of her. Of that smile that wasn't quite a smile. Of the crazy behavior that was just a front. Of angry, fresh, red cuts on wrists and cheeks and...everywhere. And it hurts because she's not there anymore and it hurts because while she was here, she suffered.


	6. Untitled part 6

I wish she hadn't done that. And then I wish I didn't wish that. Is it self-serving to wish for a suffering person to stay? On the other hand, is it selfish to decide to die and leave others behind? My answer to these questions changes by the day. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

I think it should never come to that in the first place. Still, sometimes life goes horribly wrong. And then, as if they are the wisest words ever spoken, the people around me say: "That's Life". Are you kidding me? Who said you have to accept the bullshit 'Life' throws at you. Who said I can?


	7. At the funeral

"We always knew it would happen."

That's what one of the teachers said about Estelle's suicide at the funeral. "It." Don't call "it" by its name. Baby your ex-students. Let's keep it under wraps, keep it PG-13. Except all of us here are well over thirteen and even if we weren't, we'd still deserve to talk about Estelle's suicide freely. Oh and one more thing. Be a fatalist. Go on. It's absolutely not a life you're talking about.


	8. Playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the songs that remind me of Estelle and why.

All the songs that remind me of Estelle and why.

 

 

*Unlove You - Anthem Lights

I have loved Estelle in a romantic way. That's not the case anymore. But I still love her as someone who has been in my life and will always be in my memory, hence "I can't unlove you".

 

*Hurts Like Hell - Fleurie

I used part of the lyrics in the summary. To me, it really describes the loss I felt and sometimes still feel. Additionally, there's a part that personally reminds me of a girl loving a girl, something not really tolerated in the town I come from. 

 

*Until The End - Quietdrive

If I had written this song, it would be a mishmash of past and present feelings. Again, there's the previous romantic aspect but also the 'not forgetting you' part. From my perspective, it's perfectly messily arranged.

 

*Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne

This one might seem generic but it's not. At least not to me. I didn't get to say goodbye. Lavigne sings that. Then there is "I've had my wake-up, won't you wake up?". I used to be lost in self-hate and fatalism and dark thoughts and whatever you can think of. I 'woke up' shortly before Estelle passed away.

 

*Afsheid Van Een Vriend - Clouseau

An ode to friendship and having to say goodbye but hoping you'll see each other again. A message to the dead: "you passed away, may you be able to rest now". That's all I wish for Estelle. (This one is in Dutch so if you need a translation, please look it up on the internet or message me.)

 

*One More Light - Linkin Park

If I remember correctly, this song came out after Estelle's death. I like Linkin Park and this song was a punch to my stomach. It perfectly describes the helplessness, the sadness, the anger... It mentions suffering not always being visible. There's also this message: "I DO care about you". If there's something I've learned these past years, it's that there's always someone who does.

 

*Palace - Hayley Kiyoko

The whole song reminds me of Estelle as if it was written for her. It perfectly describes what I feel, I only want to remember the good moments I spent with her. It also talks about letting go, I interpret it as giving yourself the opportunity to mourn properly. I'd like to close the book with an excerpt of this song.

 

*I Will Fight - Key feat. Vinxen

(It's in Korean so if you need a translation, please look it up on the internet.) This song is about living on after someone passing away. Really living, not just surviving. It also mentions helplessness which was an important part of my grief. Lastly, it mentions memories blurring. It's something we're all affected by, after some time the memories fade. But that's okay because you'll never forget the person. Ever.


End file.
